The GRAHAM NORTON SHOW... UK
"Starsky & Hutch Premiere" 2004
Graham Norton: I?ve,..evening all, I?ve got Starsky & Hutch in my show tonight! Boys, you better behave yourself or I?m sending you down!
( LOUD cheers and commercial break)
GN: Oh, I tell.. that music, that music, takes me back to Friday evenings watching Starsky & Hutch on the box.
(opening them to S&H plays with a wonderful parody of Starsky & Hutch!)
GN: Ah, if only Starsky & Hutch were here and now they are,ladies and gentlemen, the original mascot duo of all time, Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul are here!
(they enter through a yellow curtain escorted by ?2 lovelies?!)
GN: Hello, good to see you, sit yourselves down.
(cross talking)
PAUL: Hello.
DAVID: Nice to see you. (David turns away and walks to the other side of the stage ?I?ll see you!?)
PAUL: (to David) ?This way!?, here, here (David returns to his seat)
(great cheers and clapping for Paul and David)
PAUL: (to Graham) You did really well with that!
DS: Yea, you?re good.
GN: Now, steady David, you know you don?t get the girl till the end of the show?
DAVID: Yeah, right.
GN:..you must that by now!
GN: No, at the end of the show you?ll be drinking wine. Mmmm. Very good!
GN: Now, listen, last night at the National Television Awards, I mean, the response, then, the response now..is it fantastic. It must be fantastic, still being watched.
DAVID: (triumphantly) ?We survived!? (Paul laughs and looks at David)
GN: (excited) It?s more than that, you?re loved! You?re loved!
GN: Do you just accept it or do you just kinda sit back and think ?Why is it that that show of all the shows has survived so well and you?re still so popular??
PAUL: Well, that?s always a puzzle, that?s always a puzzle. I don?t know (turning to David). Have you ever thought about that?
DAVID: Once in a while I do and I think that, ah,.. I, a lot of it has to do with the era in which it was first done and we ah, it was, um, it was a real support system for a how like ours and it also took off in this weird and fast kind of way and I think underneath all of it, the red car and the cardigan, those kind of devises, there was a real friendship that people could see there was a magic and there was a friendship?
GN: And also it was good and I mean it still is. It kinda holds on..
DAVID: Yes, it was, I owe it all to Paul ( with a big smile as he puts his hand on Paul?s arm).
PAUL: He does (huge laughter)
GN: ..but also, but kinda in a way that kinda now a days, you know, shows kinda they trade on something kind of quirky. For a cop show, it was a very quirky, I mean, you (David) were a vegetarian for no good reason it seems.
DAVID: I wonder what happened! (laughs)
GN: I mean things like, was that your idea or did you just step in and you were told that you were a vegetarian?
PAUL: No, that wasn?t our idea, was it?
DAVID: The vegetarian thing, no, I don?t think so. What it, what it did do though, it was like you cops behave like ?just give me the facts mam?, you know, I?m here, you know, to get the facts. What Paul and I brought to it, was, I think, a kind of humanity to these 2 guys and that?s what police, finally, in he years after, this is what they really loved about the show, because it shows cops, that cops are also human beings. We were human beings first, cops second.
PAUL: So, we?d say (turning to Graham) give up the facts mam??please! (laughter all around)
GN: (speaking into the camera) I?m a vegetarian!
GN: Was there, again was there any reason why you (Paul) did all the driving?.
DAVID: (pointing to Paul) Him you mean? (laughter)
PAUL: (laughing, looking at David and pointing behind him) Well, he?s not talking to the wall (laughter all around)
GN: He (Paul) just hadn?t heard me!
GN: Oh is that a deep question?
DAVID: ( he looks a little mad here!) It?s not a deep question, just answer him.
PAUL: (pointing to David) he wanted to drive, he wanted to drive but they? gave? (looking at each other)
DAVID: I didn?t want to drive that red thing!
PAUL: oh, no, no?
DAVID: No, no.
PAUL: ?but you wanted to drive.
DAVID: yeah, but not that red car.
PAUL: That?s right.
DAVID: ?here comes Stars?that undercover cops ??Guys, look here? that red car coming again!
GN: And with the clothes and the fashion, did you have any say? Did you choose?
PAUL: Oh yes. GN... your cardigan?
DAVID: Cardigan.
PAUL: Well, I had a cardigan. I was wearing a cardigan when I auditioned?
DAVID: A sweater, Paul, a sweater (laughing)
PAUL: That?s right, it?s a sweater, the Earl of Cardigan, but it?s a sweater, but it?s a cardigan.
GN: No, what was it though?
Paul: Who?s on first!
GN: Did it do that(demonstrates an open sweater) or was it an over the head (demonstrates a pull-over)?
PAUL: No, no, no, it did that (demonstrates an open sweater).
GN: A cardigan.
PAUL: A cardigan, a cardigan
GN: Yeah?
PAUL: Yeah, a cardigan.
GN: Yeah.
PAUL: And I?m not, I?m talking to you.
GN: So, how many of them, cause really it was, the brown-biegie cardigan. How many of them were there?
PAUL: Well, I, I?once we started the show, I think there was probably 2 or 3 of them in the wardrobe truck.
GN: Is that all?
PAUL: Yeah.
DS: Yeah.
PAUL: You know, at the time, there were, ah, one of the, ah, more attractive things you could buy down on Alvarado St. downtown LA, the Mexican section.
DAVID: Mexican section, Mexican sweaters.
GN: Oh, I see.
GN: Oh, is that the Mexican, cause I grew up in the middle of nowhere in Vatican Court. GN: Exactly! And ?Women?s Weekly?, I don?t know if anyone remember?s, but they published a pattern for Starsky?s cardigan. (everyone laughs). My mother knitted it for me, complete with knitted belt! I must tell you, it might have been the height of fashion in Bay City, but Brandon County Court, it didn?t really fly. Ah, I looked like someone?s granny, little boy granny.
PAUL: That?s great!
GN: It didn?t work, it didn?t work!
PAUL: No, no, well, actually, you know, when they went to do the movie they told me that ah, that that particular pattern had been discontinued.
GN: NO!!!
PAUL: Yeah.
DAVID: Yes.
GN: Unbelievable!!
PAUL: Isn?t that something! Doesn't?t that trivia just rock your world!
GN: Ah, ah, cause all successful series have loads of merchandise and things, but (opens a drawer next to him) I think, this lady is in the audience These are British I think. She?s kept every single copy of ?Starsky & Hutch? magazine?
PAUL: Unbelievable? oh, wow!
GN: It?s a monthly, she has them all!?. The very first issue
PAUL: Unbelievable!
DAVID: Pretty scary!
GN: See, there #1. (holds up this issue#1)
PAUL: Move your hand so they can see my face! (laughing and looking at David)
GN: Oh, sorry (moves his hand) Want me to cover his (David)? (fiddles with the magazine covering both faces)
PAUL: I just wanted to see what you (David) thought.
GN: Look, there you both are, equal billing and ah, in this, there?s a rare collector?s item cause obviously you (to David) just went on to your music career which you had before. But in here are the lyrics to ?Black Bean Soup? . Are you familiar with this song? (to Paul)
PAUL: No, I know? ?Don?t give up on us baby? (laughing)
GN: This was the ?B? side wasn't it?
DAVID: Ya, ?don?t throw up on me baby? ( pointing and looking at Paul)
PAUL: Was that the ?B??..
GN: After the ?Black Bean Soup?.
DAVID: Yeah, right.
GN: Now, it says here, and you obviously, now, might be a time to deny this, but ah, the words and music by David Soul. Do you remember the words, is it innuendo or is it a straight forward recipe for Black bean soup?
DAVID: No, I tried making that actually.
PAUL: The innuendo is the innuendo!
GN: Oh ok. Boil those black beans honey, mash them up real well, one big soft tomato, one handful of sorrel.(pronounces it wrong)?
DAVID: ?sorrel?
GN: Oh, and that would rhyme with ?that garlic smell?, one mouthful of drippings, a granddaddy onion and well, well?
GN: Of course
(cheer and clapping from audience)
DAVID: That?s good, huh?
GN: But your careers have since, (pointing to Paul) obviously, you started directing while you were still doing the show, didn't you.
PAUL: Ya, ya.
GN: (to David) Was that odd? do you direct any?
DAVID: Yes.
PAUL: He?s a very good director.
GN: Really?
DAVID (pointing to Paul) So is he.
GN: Yes, I?m sure you?re both very good? equally, you?re equally, equally good!
PAUL: I wouldn?t go that far! (laughing all around)
GN: OK, he?s good, ah and was that weird? Would you have fewer close ups of yourself or would you go the other way? How would you do that?
DAVID: As few as possible of yourself.
PAUL: Yeah, yeah, we?d try to write in so he had to do all the work.
GN: OK. A little light driving
PAUL: I said ?let him do all the it?.
GN: Lot?s of you running up those stairs. Up the stairs, up the stairs.
PAUL: Yes.
GN: The, now, look the two of you in Starsky and Hutch got to act tough brawling cops, it?s second nature to you, second nature, but we thought we?d do is put one of these wannabe officers to the test. We?ve got 3 couples outside.
DAVID: (yawns) Ya.
GN: We set each one of them as sort of a cop set-up to perform a la Starsky & Hutch and one of them will be judged the winner?
PAUL: Ummm hmm.
GN: Don?t go mad, it?s not much of a prize. Don?t deliberate too much, the audience will help you decide if you like.
GN: (speaking to crew) OK, you?re all ready out there? ? OK, the first couple is Joanna Foster and Paul Smith (shows them demonstrating a short scene of S&H bursting through doors, guns drawn yelling freeze).
Next couple are Abby Wall and Peter Mule (shows a fighting criminal scenario with S&H wrestlung bad guys)
Here we go, Jerry Miller and Chris Hannah ( a scene where S&H roll over the hood of a car and drag the occupants out through the window __scene from the pilot? very funny) GN: Arrest them, arrest them. Very good, cuff them.
(Paul and David are laughing hysterically)
PAUL: Oh, man, I don?t know, I don?t know.
GN: Is there a clear winner? Someone?s gotta win, someone?s gotta win!
PAUL: I don?t know, for me, it?s a toss up between 1 & 3. I don?t know!
GN: So?
DAVID: I don?t, I mean?.
AUDIENCE: ?3?
GN: "3", you like ?3?? It?s Jerry Miller and Chris Hannah. Well done, the two of you. Congratulations, we?re gonna send you on a Champagne VIP ticket trip to London _____.
That?s it, we?ll be joining audience in the bar. See you in a second.
(commercial break)
GN: (lots of clapping) Welcome back.. Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul. You can still see them as themselves on Channel 5. I think, Starsky and Hutch is still on channel 5. I think now with the movie coming out, they?ll re-issue the with DVD ?s, videos
PAUL: Ya, coming out on DVD .
GN: Yes, very good.
GN: I?m presuming it?s all ?ka-ching??
PAUL: It?s ?ka-chung?, it?s not ?ka-ching?.
GN: Oh, ?ka-chung?, whatever.
PAUL: ?Ka-chung? is the past tense.
GN: Oh, I see.
PAUL: All the way to the bank.
GN: Ah, ?ka-chinged? up the ass! (laughter all around)
PAUL: Chung, chung, chung.
GN: Ah, now directing sir, you, because you directed episodes of Starsky & Hutch and then you went on directing Miami Vice. PAUL: I directed 4 hours of Miami Vice.
GN: Oh, is that all, just the 4?
PAUL: That?s all, just 4.
GN: But then proper ?Running Man?.
PAUL: ?Running Man? was my second film.
GN: With Arnold.
PAUL: Yes.
GN: And, and, have you stayed in touch with Arnold?
PAUL: Well, ah, we have, we see each other occasionally.
GN: Governor now?
PAUL: Yes, you know, ah German is ah, what Governor is in German?
GN: No.
PAUL Gropenfurher.
(HUGE laughter and clapping all around!)
DAVID: ?Gropenfurher!!?
GN: Oh, very good! That was a directing challenge.
PAUL: Well, it was very interesting. I took over the film two weeks into the production from another director. I had been offered the film to direct and I said they didn?t have enough prep time so when they came back to me and they fired the other director and I said how long they were shut down for and they said two days,.. but thanks to the training I got from Starsky and Hutch, it was?
DAVID: Thanks to me!!
PAUL: Thanks to David..
DAVID: He owes me everything!
GN: All due to you sir, (David)
PAUL: I owe, boy do I owe?so but, you know, it was a logistical challenge and it was very interesting.
GN: Now, let?s go back to Starsky & Hutch for a second cause people love to hear stories of tension and dada dada. So, presumably, you had different fans cause in all those fan magazines all those pen pals, people started going, you know, blahblahblahblah, I prefer Starsky blah, I prefer Hutch, so did you, did you always keep a beady eye out for who got the better fan mail and whose getting _____
DAVID: Mine were always better looking.
GN: OK.
PAUL: (to David) You got fan mail?
GN: Nicer note lips, lovely envelopes, commemorative stamps?
PAUL: Better handwriting.
GN: None of your pennies.
PAUL: Ya, that?s right.
GN: But you got a lot of offers of marriage, didn?t you? Or was that all hypi?
DAVID: NO, I certainly got a number of people, ah, who were married to me, you know, or that I was the father of their kid or I was there long lost cousin or?..
GN: Direct some to him (Paul)
PAUL: (Waving off to David in a swooping gesture)
GN: No, no, none of the above he got all that mail.
DAVID: (to Paul) I?m trying to keep the conversation going, Paul.
PAUL: I know, you?re doing well. (laughs)
DAVID: Why don?t you help me? Don?t go like this, like this (repeats Paul?s waving)
PAUL: I?m just cleaning the air!
GN: Oh? it?s like an episode!
(laughter all around)
DAVID: From what?
GN: Well, taking our inspiration from all that female tension you received?
PAUL: Right.
DAVID: Here it comes!
GN: What? You?re all right, but there you are, sex symbols. You?ve received hundreds of come on's, so we thought who better to judge the ?cherub? technique of our stunning audience?look at them!
PAUL: All right!
GN: Anyway, go with me now to ?Chat me up before you Go GO? (they head over to the bar)
PAUL: Are these good? (peanuts.. takes some and eats them)
GN: Oh, actually, I don?t know, don?t they ever tell you not to eat the peanuts at the bar?
PAUL: Never eat the props.
GN: No, peanuts at ANY bar!
DAVID: Why?
GN: Because they did a scientific test on peanuts at the bar.
DAVID: Penis on the bar?
GN: PEANUTS, peanuts on the bar.
PAUL: Yah.
GN: Because they contain traces of 400 different people?s ah, oh, piss. People don?t wash their hands, then stick them in the peanuts,
PAUL: Ah, I see. They sure taste good.
GN: Don?t they though! Here?s the plan, here?s the plan..
(David has trouble getting onto the bar stool, practically falls off as Graham rushes over!)
GN: Well done, well done!
(Paul keeps eating the peanuts)
GN: This quick bar scene may be a little longer than we thought!
Right, you?re at the bar ? does one of you mind being the lady (holds a wig as Paul points to David) cause we need men and women. Ok, you?ve got the beard so we?ll never doubt you.
GN: Ok, Ok, people are going to come in and....
DAVID: OK (he try's to put on the wig)
GN: Ah, oh look at him pretending it?s the first time!
PAUL: (to David) You?ve got that part right (as David flips the wig on) There we go!
GN: Don?t hide your beauty, hair back.
DAVID: I just washed it and can?t do anything with it!
GN: OK, now, people are going to come in. they will chat you up. If it?s a lady, they?ll chat you (Paul) up. If it?s a man, they?ll chat you up (David).
DAVID (to Paul) Hi, big boy, hey dreamboat.
PAUL: (to David) Do you have your teeth in?
GN: (to Paul) Not enough beer in the world!
PAUL: NO way!
GN: There you go. So, if you don?t like this chat up, you press this ( red noise maker)soda machine. Isn?t that incredible!
PAUL: Sounds like..
GN: And if you like it, you press this one (green noise maker.. sounds like a model T car horn)
(Paul & David try their horns)
GN: Not working, not working!
PAUL: Why do I feel we have no control over this? (laughs)
GN: You have complete control. You, we, spent hours making them. Alright, steady, OK, it's quick fire, they get in, they jab line (Paul starts flipping his horn up and down and points to David), they get an "ah,ah" ("no" horn noise) or "ah" (points to Paul as "yes' horn sounds). OK?
DAVID: Where's my first big boy? (laughter all around)
PAUL: WOW! (he gets up laughing at David's comment and leans on bar)
GN: Steady!... (as Paul leans forward the bar moves and he grabs the stool for support)
PAUL: This is amazing!
GN: It's incredible... not a drink and already the bar is moving!
GN: Ok, ok, he (David) is in that wig for 5 seconds and already he is a "man eater"!
(Paul eats some peanuts)
DAVID: Where's my purse?
GN: OK, here's our first one. It's Jason Lickman (Jason enters through a side door) "Jason" (cheers from audience)
Here you, ok, here we go, here you go. Look at the lady (to David)
Jason: Have I ever told you that you remind me of a spanner? My nuts get tight and hard every time I see you.
(David lowers his horn and turns away in disbelief looking at the audience)
DAVID: (Blows his "no" horn)
GN: No, it's a no. Off you go. Next up, next up is Sophie Alexandra. Here's Sophie (whistles from the audience) Oh, here's Sophie, do your damndest
(Paul sits down)
Sophie: Can I give you an Aussie kiss? It's like a french kiss, only ...down under!
(crowd cheers for that one!)
GN: Ohhhhh... is that an "ah ah" or and "ah"
DAVID: (Paul looks at David) Give it your.. give it ya...
PAUL: (blasts his"yes" horn... big cheers form the audience)
GN: Next up is Helen Tighe. (Helen enters through the door)
GN: Hi, Hi,hi, hi, hi (waves her over)
Here ya go..
Helen: You must be Jamaican cause you're making me horny!
GN: Ooh, you said that aloud, haven't you! Before you That went well!
PAUL: I actually think you're a lot prettier than that line (points to David for the "ah ah" noise)
GN: We're getting an "ah ah", no. (audience is sad!) No, he's saying that she doesn't need the line....
DAVID:(cross talking) You almost make me want to get rid of this wig!
GN: ...you know what I mean? (Paul nodding in agreement) Oh no, look at me. Well done, off ya go. Very good.
Next up "Layla" Malvahill... Malvahill
PAUL: Alright, Layla.
GN: Here's Layla, alright, Layla, go Layla.
Layla: (addresses David) This face is leaving in 5 minutes and I want you to be on it! (she winks)
PAUL: OOOOOOOOOO! (he looks over at David!)
DAVID: (he gets off his stool and goes over to GN & Layla) She said that to me!
GN: (to David) as he approaches) Is that a yes?
(David removes his wig)
LAYLA: Oh, It was a man's eyes!
GN: Oh, I thought you were a lesbian! I'm so sorry!
(David puts his arm around her and starts to walk off stage with her)
GN: (to Paul) I think that's a "yes".
PAUL: Oh... (he raises his horn)
(David sits back down)
GN: Yes, yes, quick, quick. Craig Baton. "Craig Baton" Craig's the man (Craig stumbles over to Paul & David)
PAUL: Alright Craig.
DAVID Relax, easy big fella!
(Paul & David gesture for him to stop)
GN: (Jokingly to Craig) "They're celebrities,Craig, Craig,.. it's just a game, just a game. OK, off ya go Craig!
DAVID: I hope so! (laughs)
Craig: Are you a parking ticket? You've got fine (sounds like fireman) written all over you!
GN: oohhh....smooth!
GN: (David doesn't quite here the answer) "Are you a parking ticket cause you've got FINE written all over you"
(David looks at Paul)
PAUL: You like that? (he then toots his "yes" horn)
GN: Alright? He did. Well done, off ya go.
Jenna (Jemma?) Hayley, Jenna Hayley
PAUL: Alright!
(David stomps his feet at her beauty!)
GN: I can't believe Jenna is going to do this one (grabs her hand)
Off ya go Jenna Hayley.
Jenna OMG, I forgot it!
(Graham shows her the question)
Jenna: Oh ya. The word of the day is "LEGS". Do you want to go back to mine and spread the "word"?
PAUL( has a great shocked expression on his face as he squints his eyes, turns to David and holds his horn high up blowing it repeatedly!)
DAVID: Whooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
GN: Yes, loving it, loving it. There ya go, off ya go over there, over there.
GN: Is there more? Oh there's one more. Quick, quick, quick... Michael Chow, Michael Chow.. go, go
DAVID: Ok Michael, this is it!
MICHAEL: Excuse me, do you have any Chinese in you? Would you like some?
Paul and David laugh and look at each other as Paul stands and blows his "yes" horn.
GN: Ok, there it is. Off ya go.
OK, quick, quick, we must pick a winner. Who did we like, who did we like? Who was our favorite?
(audience is shouting out Jenna, legs)
PAUL: Jenna, they're saying Jenna
GN: (looking at his audience) Jenna wins? Legs? You're liking "legs"? OK, Jenna come on out Where is she? Jenna? Here she is. Congratulations. Courtesy of our lovely friends at Champney's Court you win a break for 2 at a luxury health spa. yes ya have,_____
Listen, Please, Please Please give it up for our fantastic guests, Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul!
Paul and David wave good bye!
I'll see you tomorrow night at 10. Goodnight everybody! Bye bye!
